There have been many moments these last 8 months here in Yongchuan, China where I have wondered to myself what I was doing in China; why i chose to be here; what I gave up to be here; why I gave up those things; the good and the bad of my choices; am I facing my fears or running away from them or is it much simpler than all of this?
Although, I make lists, have dreams, write in journals, talk to others, think and analyse... I still don't really know the correct answers to the above questions... are there any wrong or right answers?
I feel that sometimes I don't understand my own choices (I am a go with the heart kind of gal) and feel like by putting myself in a situation where I have the luxury to make choices: life takes me on adventures and I go with it. It all seems wonderful and exciting on the outside and in the end it usually IS but it is not always an easy ride....Sometimes, I feel like someone else made the choice and I just said OK sounds like fun, I like adventure: I'm in and then I'm in:) and then I think about it.....
I think taking risks in life is a good thing and many good things come out of it, either before, throughout or afterwards... if nothing else it keeps me on my toes.. I feel I am happy and comfortable and then go make a choice and take a risk.
For example: giving up my TOC job in Vancouver (which is a difficult and a positive step to achieving full time teacher work) to work in China, where life is very very different and the career not as assuring....
BUT I got a year of teaching under my belt. I am further aware of my abilities, my strengths and weaknesses as a teacher, and my interests and dislikes and feel infact I am moving closer to a career/job that fits ME.
I gave up an exciting beginning to an athletic career in a sport I love (SUP): I have been trying to find this since I left gymnastics at age 17. I moved to a town with zero natural lakes and zero clean water.... I gave up trails, and mountain bikes, coffee shops, and a variety of amazing foods and some pretty awesome friends.... BUT I got to slackline amongst bamboos, run marathons in different parts of China, do a crossing in Thailand and meet fellow SUPers there, I got to teach SUP fit classes.I got to surf in China and Hong Kong,... and hike the chinese way, and sleep in monasteries. I learned about chinese food, chinese people, and chinese culture. I learned many things I didn't know before.
I may have sacrificed some things but gained other things and only I can choose and know what and wasn't worthwhile for me. I will be back to Vancouver and am excited to either explore new avenues or re connect with old ones. Nothing lost but much gained!
I am off to Beijing in a couple of hours: I have to wrap up. Running the Great Wall Marathon tomorrow...yikes! I have a good mix of anxiety and excitement:I think its healthy: nothing to prove but to go out there and enjoy it! Not everyone gets to run a marathon on the Great Wall of China....
Chapter China is coming to a close soon and I will probably remember all the good stuff but I do hope I don't forget the struggles and moments of despair as they are just as important and just as part of the experience as the fun stuff... China is an exciting place: I will miss it with all its randomness... but I can't lie I am excited for what is to come....
At 31, I am not exactly sure what is next but I am okay with that.... because I have a loving husband, caring family, and fabulous friends,.... whatever the next chapter proves to be I know it can only be another thrilling adventure...
I have jitters... Life is exciting
live, love, laugh,..DREAM!
lina
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